How do you say “Mom, I love you” this Mother’s Day? Not like this. Here are 10 items you probably should not buy dear Mom.
1. Hot Mama Make-up Kit – This does not pass the test. Try Sephora.
2. Lipstick Flask – “simply unscrew the top and primp!” If you’re hinting at your Mom’s penchant for alcohol, take her for a fancy glass of vino.
3. Rubber Gloves – nothing says “screw you” like giving your Mom the equipment she needs to do your dishes.
4. A Pillow with Your Face On It – Just don’t buy this for anyone, ever.
5. This Book – The question “What’s for dinner Ma?!” should never be uttered, but especially not on Mother’s Day. Dinner suggestions will not be found here.
6. This issue of TIME Magazine – You should never ask your Mom if she’s Mom enough. What does that even mean? P.S. This kid is too old to be on the nip.
7. Pant Stretchers – need I explain?
8. WA | HH Quantum Sensations – this spray causes brief intoxication with no aftereffects. This should not be trusted.
9. This Fragrance – Perfumes a nice gesture, but not one that smells like vulva. Actually designed to make you smell better – yes down there – “to make you more attractive or socially acceptable”. That’s a direct quote.
10. Poop Soap Bar – I get it. Buying your mom a cheesy basket full of soaps from Fruits and Passions wrapped in cheap cellofane doesn’t exactly cut it. But this? This is wrong. Poop belongs in the toilet. Get her a day at the spa, and be deemed “super child” for the rest of your days.