Offensive. Fugly. Downright laughable. This week in FUGLISTED: Brangelina, JanJones, JBiel and Justerena (how’s that for annoying celebrity-name-combining?)
Jessica Biel
Dear J. Biel,
Don’t get me wrong, break ups are TOUGH. I realize that you have the added hurt of going through this in the public eye not with say, a regular joe who plays badminton with your heart for three years before moving to the opposite side of the country WITHOUT TELLING YOU, but with the man who had the best performance on SNL this season. That being said, riddle me this. Is Olivia Wilde turning herself into a floating head on a sea of teal blue velvet pantsuit? Do you see Mila Kunis claiming to be the velvet clad female version of The Green Lantern? NO. YOU. DON’T. You see them getting closer and closer to your ex mansy, and I know it hurts sweetie, but do yourself a favor, go somewhere hot, pop on a bikini, and burn that outfit in a campfire on the beach while you make s’mores in banana leaves with Ryan Reynolds.
You’re welcome.
k
Brad Pitt + Angelina Jolie
It was reported this week that Brangelina have finally taken the next step, and really, nothing says “I Love You” like hitting up the salon together for matching do’s.
But you two know what they say about owners starting to look like their dogs – right?
January Jones
It is a publicly known fact that I am not January’s number one fan. I’m not sure what it is, maybe she tries too hard or she acts like an ice princess, or the fact that she’s immune to canckles, really there’s too many things to pinpoint just one. So if you, like me, aren’t a fan and you thought that her baby daddy drama was entertaining, it looks like we’re in luck because her pregnancy wardrobe is shaping up to be the cherry a top her hot mess sundae.
Selena Gomez
AWWWWWW!! The Biebs and his lady love frolicking on the beach while they vacation with both of their families. Enter heart emoticon here and with furious unrequited emotion. Unless of course you’re one of those Beiber fans who believes deep in your heart that one day you will be the object of his affection, staring into his eyes as he serenades you by crooning the word “baby” in varying tones until his mouth puffs out clouds of rosy light pink hearts. If you are one of those people, I have a reality on the line for you and she says to go ahead and slap you in the face.
If you’re not one of those people, but someone who’s wondering whether or not these photos could potentially violate certain offender’s parole, don’t fret, chastity belts now come in acid wash.
Tagged Angelina Jolie, brad pitt, Floating Head, january jones, Jessica Biel, Monochromatic, selena gomez, Velvet Suit
