Have you ever wanted to be Justin Bieber’s special lady? The one that makes him crazy? Of all the girls he’s ever known, it’s you, it’s you? Well, in order for the aforementioned ~dreamz~ to come into fruition, ensure that you fit the following requirements to a T.
“My favourite, my favourite, my favourite, my favourite girl,” crooned the prepubescent Justin Bieber on the fittingly titled single “Favourite Girl,” released in 2009. Like almost all of his songs, “Favourite Girl” is addressed to one, very particular, female. Which gives all of us inappropriately aged “beliebers” a bit of hope. Because like, maybe if we try really hard, his next song will be dedicated to us… on a very personal level.
At the ripe, (and legal), age of 18 years old, J-Biebz has demonstrated that along with a voice of a Stratford-ian angel, he also exudes… a certain appeal. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, you might want to stop following along.
1) You cannot be indecisive, because Justin Bieber doesn’t really want to be your eenie meeny miney mo lova…he has better things to do.
2) You have to be intelligent, quick-thinking, and witty… because Justin Bieber is not going to repeat himself. Ever.
3) You have to be able to reciprocate his kindness, because Justin Bieber is going to share his world, fight, breath, and heart (aww), with you. But he won’t share his shoes with you because he is too swaggy.
4) You’re going to have to like to climb mountains. Because JB is only going to tell you one time: you’re going to keep climbing until you get to the mountain top.
5) Get a pedicure because Justin Bieber is going to catch you by the toe. And if you holla, (if you holla), he’s going to let you go.
6) Start making arrangements to get a space shuttle of some sort, because you’re going to have to make your way back down to earth. Probably so you can climb a mountain.
7) You cannot be claustrophobic because the walls are going to be closing in on you and you’re not going to explicitly do anything about it… you’re just going to look into Justin Bieber’s eyes and whisper “how?”
8) When JB says he wants to a) hold your hand, b) make you laugh, c) feel your kiss, d) buy you gifts, don’t complain because it will make him “so sad”.
9) Ditch all of your friends. And family. Now. Because when Justin Bieber falls in love with you, you’re going to be all kinds of lonely. And he’s going to put you first, show you what you’re worth, and generally remedy all your pre-existing problems. Etc.
10) If you have a boyfriend, you should dump him. Because Bieber does not play games. He just follows you around, relentlessly mumbling “that should be me”. Which is endearing and not creepy at all.
11) No Twitter? How will he tweet you? No cell phone? How will he text you? No reception? How will he call you? No Facebook? How will he “hit you”? You must be social, and very much so.
12) Accustom yourself into seeing open doors, because no keys are swaggy enough for Justin Bieber. And you’re going to have to let him in.
13) Find a way to fight with time and space. And destiny.
14) You’re going to have to like fondue. All kinds. The end.
*Editor’s Note: when you put an 8 beside a closed parenthesis, a smiley face wearing sunglasses magically appears.