Carly Rae won everything. Gwen is so hot it’s crazy. We made our own Teen Choice Awards. So read them, maybe.
The teen-centric show awarded everyone and their mother with a surfboard that will never see the ocean. But, hey, the TCAs have always been more ‘street party’ than ‘award show’ so I guess the inclusivity of it all is nice. For the full list of “winners” click here.
On the contrary, here is our list of the real winners and losers:
WORST SPRAY TAN: Lea Michele
We would have preferred ‘Frankenteen’ to ‘fake-n-bake’ as Lea’s pink carpet companion, oh well.
BEST BENJAMIN BUTTON BAND: No Doubt
Because they look so cool I could puke AND clearly haven’t aged a day since 1995.
WORST PEACOCKING: Demi Lovato
I mean … I know you’re a new blonde Dem… BUT Madonna called and she wants her ponytail back.
BEST EVENT CRASHER: Rebecca Black
Because when crashing uninvited it is best to blend in. And despite her other shortcomings, I will give her props for being ~on trend~ (and not singing).
BEST DEMI DOPPELGANGER: Debbie Ryan
Because I had to do a triple-take. And to be clear – it is her doppelganger looks NOT her style that we are applauding.
WORST WASTE OF YOUR NEW WAIST: Jordin Sparks
For real??? Honey, there’s no way you’ll be the new J-HUD with this assy style.
BEST MENSWEAR (Kind Of): Carly Rae Jepsen
WORST FIGURE SKATING FASHION: Taylor Swift
Because if you are not performing a triple salchow you don’t need that sheer control-top pantyhose material holding in your non-existent side-boob. I mean, how fugly is that clasp?
BEST FANCY PANTS: Cat Deeley
The female Seacrest wore the shiz outtah these metallic pants. Oh, you FANCCYYYY huh?
WORST THIRD WHEEL: Taylor Lautner
Apparently he didn’t receive the Black & Blue memo. Oh, and after the 3 won surfboards for Twilight Rob & Kristen gave away their boards to fans, while Taylor held on to his – effectively making himself look like a jerk.
BEST TWO-PIECE: Zoe Saldana
Because the crop top/skirt combo is the NEW surfing attire. Not actually, but she looks damn good beside that surfboard.
Until next year kiddies!