Spray Tans, Peacocking & OMGwen Stefani at the 2012 Teen Choice Awards

Carly Rae won everything. Gwen is so hot it’s crazy. We made our own Teen Choice Awards. So read them, maybe.

The teen-centric show awarded everyone and their mother with a surfboard that will never see the ocean. But, hey, the TCAs have always been more ‘street party’ than ‘award show’ so I guess the inclusivity of it all is nice. For the full list of “winners” click here.

On the contrary, here is our list of the real winners and losers:

WORST SPRAY TAN: Lea Michele

We would have preferred ‘Frankenteen’ to ‘fake-n-bake’ as Lea’s pink carpet companion, oh well.

BEST BENJAMIN BUTTON BAND: No Doubt

Because they look so cool I could puke AND clearly haven’t aged a day since 1995.

WORST PEACOCKING: Demi Lovato

I mean … I know you’re a new blonde Dem… BUT Madonna called and she wants her ponytail back.

BEST EVENT CRASHER: Rebecca Black

Because when crashing uninvited it is best to blend in. And despite her other shortcomings, I will give her props for being ~on trend~ (and not singing).

BEST DEMI DOPPELGANGER: Debbie Ryan

Because I had to do a triple-take. And to be clear – it is her doppelganger looks NOT her style that we are applauding.

WORST WASTE OF YOUR NEW WAIST: Jordin Sparks

For real??? Honey, there’s no way you’ll be the new J-HUD with this assy style.

BEST MENSWEAR (Kind Of): Carly Rae Jepsen

NAILED. IT.

WORST FIGURE SKATING FASHION: Taylor Swift

Because if you are not performing a triple salchow you don’t need that sheer control-top pantyhose material holding in your non-existent side-boob. I mean, how fugly is that clasp?

BEST FANCY PANTS: Cat Deeley

The female Seacrest wore the shiz outtah these metallic pants. Oh, you FANCCYYYY huh?

WORST THIRD WHEEL: Taylor Lautner

Apparently he didn’t receive the Black & Blue memo. Oh, and after the 3 won surfboards for Twilight Rob & Kristen gave away their boards to fans, while Taylor held on to his – effectively making himself look like a jerk.